4 Ways I Protect My Marriage

I recently learned that someone we know is going to be a father. Again. This time because he cheated on his wife. Apparently, this person has spent his entire marriage cheating on his wife. How is it that a person can do that to someone else? I don't want to hear that it's in a man's blood to cheat. . .to populate the world. First of all, women cheat on their spouses too. Second of all, I understand that monogamy isn't for everyone, but my understanding ends when one gets married and decides to continue being with others without having a discussion about it with his or her spouse first.


Nicole and I have been married for 40 days today. I get that we still fall into the "honeymoon" stage which comes with the belief that everything is always going to be prefect. Of course, it's not and if you know anything about Nicole and I, you know that we are major planners. We've already starting coming up with a plan for maintaining our marriage. I think it's very important to come up with a marriage plan, a way to protect our box.

What are going to be my individual boundaries? Have I prepared myself by knowing and understanding ways that men typically get themselves into trouble? Have I come up with a plan to both monitor my behavior and manage possible issues? The answer is yes I have thought of these issues and while I am still growing in this area, in my marriage; in my self I have come up with a plan.


1. Check My Eyes

About 4 months ago, I started paying much more attention to what I allowed myself to see. Men are more often then not more visual then women. This means that what I see will stay with me longer and affect me more. If I see women dressed on the sexy side then those images are more likely to find themselves staying with me when I should be thinking of my wife. This idea goes well beyond T.V. shows and movies because everything that I see goes into my brain for mental images. I have never been one to creep with my eyes, but I think that what I see today can come back to me in my dreams or down the road when we are having a rough spot.

To keep this from happening, I have put into practice some personal rules that others might think are a little crazy. I'd rather be laughed at now and laugh about it at my 50 yr anniversary party.

- I divert my eyes when I see a women dressed sexy, doing something sexual or the like. I may have seen her, but I don't allow myself to dwell on her or the image afterward. I look at something else. Anything else as long as it's not something of the same category.

- When I'm watching T.V. or a movie I close my eyes during sex scenes and when women are dressed sexy. I also use the "hand over the screen" for scenes that I can get away with. I like to watch the movie, but I prefer to edit out all the trouble spots.


2. Check My Ears

I like a variety of music including some hip-hop and R&B. I have decided that if the music I'm listening to is making any type of sexual sounds that are a distraction that I change the music. Those types of sounds made by the singers aren't going to help me keep my mind on my wife.

I also make sure that in my conversations with others and conversation I listen to that I stay away from sexually focused jokes or conversation that is not helpful. By helpful I mean is the conversation or podcast pointing me in the direction of a better marriage or a direction that might one day pull me from my wife?


3. Check My Location

This is going to sound like the craziest idea, but I think it's the smartest: I protect appearances. Wait, Chris, are you saying that you care what other people think of you? Don't you know that people are going to think what they think and it's not always the truth? Well, yes I do know that, but that's also my point. My reputation as a married man who is faithful to his wife is important. This means that I practice to the best of my ability not allowing myself to be in situations that others can misinterpret as I am being unfaithful to my wife. It matters very little if the truth is that I'm not doing anything to harm my marriage if I allow myself to be in places that look as though I am harming my marriage. Why does this make sense? The basic idea is that if I can be perceived doing something to harm my marriage then something CAN possibly happen in that situation. It works as a checks and balances. I don't want people to think I'm cheating on my wife, so I stay out of situations that I could cheat on my wife.

Ways I do this:

- I work very hard at not being alone with women. There is no real need for me to be shopping, dining or the like with a women who is not my family without others being with me.

- I will out of respect for my wife ask to have a male accompany me or have open doors during interviews and meetings with females.

- I limit situations when I am in spaces alone with women to elevators, emergency car rides (after I talk to my wife if possible), and very few other places unless I am either with my wife or with another male.

- I do not allow a group of women to be a situation that feels safe. If I'm hanging out with several women, it doesn't mean that I'm in a situation that allows others can view me as being faithful. Being with my wife when I'm with a group of people is the safe option.


4. Open Conversation

One of my best lines of defense is my openness with my wife. I make sure to talk to her about my feelings, which I just happen to be good at (I've practiced a lot). I think it's very important that she knows when I'm feeling weak, when someone might be an issue or when I need her support as well as what I need in the relationship. She helps keep me in check for example by covering the screen, but not in an ownership way. She is just on board with protecting our marriage and I appreciate and love her for that.


There are other ways, I am sure, that I use to protect my marriage, but these are my top guiding methods for this topic. I recently heard of another one that I will start incorporating even though I naturally do it already. No flirting with anyone other than my wife.


I am very blessed to be with Nicole. She releases so much happiness from within me. I don't want to do anything to mess up what we have going.